I see my reflection in your tears once again
a place that seems much to comfortable
i wonder why we ever started
only to never finish
was it worth the pain, the lies,
the empty feeling the wells up inside every time I'm reminded of you
so ya i'm lost again
the bottom of this bottle now replaces the memories of you
soaked in self loathe
hands shaking, breath short
losing control to even feel normal
if you find me now we only both be lost
so leave me be
this trail of blood only leads to demons
and we lay with guns to each others heads
the trigger already pulled
a soul already gone
tortured beyond life
now resides in a mind that can't be controlled
but it'll be okay she whispers in his her as he falls asleep

this power encompasses all that is
a spirit with an infinite connection
eternal reflections of a non-existent past
a never reached future
and the holy only now
surrounded by enlightened energy
lead by a burning desire for a true high
where i arrive at the exact moment to let go and behold this beautiful struggle
everything for a real reason to create a belief system un breakable by any human possibilities
freedom at last
no restraints restrictions or pain
a persistent of powered intentions leading the composed momentum of my being
finally, but actually always
been here forever before, only to be ignored by the trained digression,
now freely explored
lifted the three that create the unity of existence within a presence of ominous purity
believe me its curable

i like this place
its comfortable
a reoccuring reoccurence to say the least
its stagnant
smells of last nights Jamison and this mornings cutting agents
so easily slipped in and out
intentions to run
but no conventional way to leave
tears of nothingness
not a single fear
just the empty feeling so easily welcomed back into the distraught life
so familiar
so easy
no potential
no truth
just you

Stairs...

find me
lead me
so lost in a maze of questionable choices
why and how do i always seem to find you in the seams
delicately placed throughout each and every moment
can't seem to hold on though
losing you with each breath
each and every touch
closer to understanding us
but further from my self than ever
a balancing act i can no longer persuade to make me okay
the lies leave footprints on your heart
a trail of my insolence
a child lacking all imagination
losing all the beautiful innocent
but evil fuels his misplaced intelligence
and something resides in the fact he can still love
for she reminds him of what he once was
so he holds her so tight
as if the only world he knew
was the body between his arms

God where are you at times like these,
can't deal with this same disease,
i miss your voice,
i miss your breath,
i miss the everything you brought to my life,
i sit here crying dry tears wondering why I ever had fear,
of what we were,
of what we could be,
now im just wrapped up in the same disease,
god damn,
good god,
why couldn't i stop the pain,
why couldn't i be ok,
whats the issue,
what's my problem,
just get up and stop trying to remember,
she doesn't want you,
she doesn't need you,
she probably hates you,
and theres no one to blame but yourself,
so just listen to the record player in your head,
don't worry it will put you to bed
soon enough you will be okay,
that's it though just okay...

21 hours in the City of Angels

i lay here..., my side empty, my heart asking, and my mind breaking,
from the self inflected pain of a heartless asshole,
last to know, first to fall, uncontrolled the entire time,
take these shots, take these lines, and leave me with the pestering hollow feeling of my lies,
give me a minute and I'll tell you I love you, give me a year and I'll break it off smoothly, give me 756 days and I'll destroy your world, give me a lifetime and maybe you'll start to understand,
understand why God gave me life, why the things i do are so conveniently fucked up, and why sometimes I change my mind about changing my brain,
because no matter what i do, truly, it's all for you.

I got my eyes gouged out by the talons of a wizards hawk!

This culture has molded me,
Hip-hop now runs through my every vein,
I breath its rythm and drink its ryhme,
take the time to pick apart each and every line,
understand its revolutionary movement,
fly with its passionate winds,
it inspires my very being,
it lets me cry, laugh, and live a life so inspired,
i couldn't ask for a better medication,
this music is my band-aid and I'm far to afraid to rip this shit off,
it flows through my day and allows me to respect the moment, the now,
i can't let go, can't give it up, the love of my life, rips at my soul and holds it so delicately together,
saved my life, like jesus on the cross, it's power humbles my control i don't have over life,
thank you for this gift, it was well worth it...

This is me.
This is what i do, what i live, what i breath.
Every facet of my being exudes this.
I dream about it in surreal realities,
I believe its essence captivates my creativity,
It lets me continue and go forth,
My passion,
love of my life,
everything I am is apart of it's life,
it makes me okay, it makes me sane,
joy, fulfillment, pride and accomplishment,
pure happiness,
thank you God for this gift,
thank you God for this curse,
thank you God.

\a friend for the books! fuck that, a friend for a life time. Finally someone who understands and will stand next to me, not just through thick and thin, but through the fat and skinny, because together we are trouble, but apart it hurts. Anything you name it and we are there for each other, brothers from different planets but met on this one and controlled the cosmos through their common realities, no stopping them, only possibility is surrender to what they've found, you wish for it, but it's ours!

Blood red tea! let me be,

finally lost, eventually found, but no matter, i prefer the ladder, why escape when i can present, for this present is my everything, no matter the past or future, but the now has so much more power, sick and tired of taking care of the sick and tired, so now he aspires to greater heights and finds love in the forks in the road, but always turns left, seemingly following some circle, not a deja vu, but an existence that spiritually is older than socrates, so it's okay, he feels fine and just asks for another shot, not vodka, but whiskey; it clears the mind, or so he thinks...

I want you.

Us.

This.

a love like that, a love grown men fear for when experienced they cry, because the possibility of such a fealing can only bring tears; tears of joy; tears of devastation; tears of true life, for within that love they've found it, the extreme sensibility of true intimacy, two become one, they write about it in movies, you day dream about it in class, but until found, we are lost, in search men are driven to war, hatred, lust, and evil, only to be led by her into true beauty, the most precious of treasures, what separates us from animal, God's greatest gift, and curse, for this double edged sword swings furiously and in the wrong hands can cause the best of the worst, we need it like air, and it needs us to breath its reality, to feel it's pain, to create it's magic, to spread it, to live it. I want it.

A Tortured Soul

escape,

freedom,

imprisoned in his mind he wonders why,

why he ever gave a fuck he'll never know,

why she gave him life only so he could swallow it whole,

love lost self found,

worth every moment,

as he bleeds the seconds,

time drains and still he complains about the wound,

infected,

disease festers in a tattered soul,

pieced together,

but in the wrong place,

obscure to say the least,

push forward and breath

Fuck it all, as he finally slipped back into his cocktail, she wondered would he ever come back out from this wet dream, dry nightmares now outlined his insides and escape came through her screams, he never wanted this, but embraced it as beauty, for the deranged jungle of a mind he created made for a good game, no winners, just losers that could chose temporarily to be scared, or flee. blame me for it all, please im begging on my knees for punishment, disease, hatred, anything so you can breath, cause im sick of it all. the pain is pure and lets him feel a life where their never was a choice, never a moment he controlled, but with only a roll of the dice everything was fine, back to a normality once formed in some kind of mathematical sequence that always equaled the exact same outcome as before; nothing. no place to hide his fire so he breaths the sorrow. blood know boils when she thinks of his lips, tenderly kissing each inch of her neck, then ever so delicately ripping the flesh into to shreds, destroying the creation. why live in something manifested by lie, it was never happiness he pined for, but instead the lust of pain. it gave an end to a surreal begining, it brought reality, it created life, and he hated him for it, but she loved herself for it; so together the equation made sense, made love, made friends forget each others names, and made lovers complain to their new facade that it was in the past and never even mattered, but without it she never could have known who she was and he could only count his lives on one hand now.